Aeon Calcos: The Man Behind the Lizard
by Dark Hoodie
Summary: Aeon Calcos AKA Lizardman gives a synopsis of his life, and his own personal philosophies. WARNING: Contains profanity


**Aeon Calcos: The Inside Story**

Hi, everybody. The name's Calcos…_Aeon _Calcos.

I'm willing to bet that you're surprised to know that a giant anthropomorphic reptilian-human hybrid spawned from dark magic can write, right?

Well, you'd be surprised at what I can do.

I can write, read, count, speak Spanish, roll my tongue, do my own laundry, recite Shakespearean poetry, am a licensed car mechanic, paint bowls of fruit, calculate advanced computational mathematics…and some cool other stuff.

Yeah, as you can see, I'm smarter than the _ahhhhhhhhhhh-vuh-rage_ lizard.

But, for those of you who don't know, I'm not really a human-lizard hybrid by nature. In fact, I used to be human, just like you.

And man, does it suck. I mean it _really _sucks. It's probably the shittiest thing that's ever happened to me. And you know what's even worse? I had absolutely no control over it.

You wanna know the truth? You wanna know the shit I go through every day all because of this stupid fucking thing that happened to me that I had absolutely no control over?

Well, if you insist.

As I'm sure you've read about me, I used to be one hell of a warrior back in the day. Yeah, everyone in Greece knew my name, and everywhere I went, people loved me. They called me, "Champion of the gods!" Woo-hoo! I'm serious; I was the _shit_ back then. I had so many "Friends" on my Facebook page, and there were so many videos of me uploaded on YouTube.

And I guess the good ol' gods saw me as a champ too, because one night, Hephaestus, a lazy self-centered asshole who called himself a "god", came to me a in a vision. He told me to go and destroy Soul Edge. I was one of the few he recruited, along with this other chick named Sophitia. Damn, was she hot! Haven't seen her since, though. Unfortunately, I've heard rumors that she was killed long ago. That's a shame. She had good intentions.

Anyhoo, I took his request to heart because I knew I had to serve the gods (no matter how questionable or selfish they were). I packed up my sword and shield and ventured off alone…like a boss.

But being the dumbass that I was, I took a wrong turn (my GPS fucked up) and ended up in this huge desert. It was hot as hell, and within a few hours, I was out of it. Ugh, I can still remember that fucking sand blowing into my eyes and the sun shining full force on me. Goddamnit, I should have brought sunscreen. D'oh!

Until at one point, I said, "That's it! I'm dying, right here, right now!"

I fell face-first into the sand, and just waited for my bones to shrivel up into dust. When all of a sudden, I see this group of people approach me. They gave me water and put me on top of their camel. Man, they were some nice folks. I can't remember the last time some humans were so generous. Nowadays, they run like hell away from me.

Anyways, the people took me back to their village and nursed me back to health. I was one lucky son of a bitch, lemme tell ya. These guys had saved my life, and I had to show them my gratitude. So, I offered to teach them a few tricks with a sword.

The people sure loved to see me using my ingenuity with my blade. Every time I did something, they would all clap and cheer.

All of a sudden, the sky darkened and this weird beam of energy came down from the sky, like something out of a cheap sci-fi movie about alien invaders. Next thing I knew, everything went black. I had heard that I was brain-washed into killing everyone in the village, and then some sorcerer-guy named "Kunpaetku" abducted me and turned into this hideous lizard-like monster thing (the current form I'm in today…crap).

Apparently, he ordered me to kidnap a kid named, "Bangoo" from the Western Hemisphere. I supposedly did, but then this huge guy with furry pants and a bull-head kicked my ass and made me hand him over (not that I wanted him anyway, I was under the influence of mind control).

All of a sudden, I heard that Soul Edge was defeated by someone else far away in a distant land, and that action broke the evil spell I was under. Holy shit, was I like lucky!

…Or so I indicated.

I looked at my reflection in horror to see some ugly-ass Godzilla wannabe looking back at me. No, it _was _me.

I couldn't believe it. I wasn't a man anymore. I rushed back home to my town, only to have them scream and storm me with rocks (and yeah, it hurt). So then I turned to the last people on earth who could ever accept me: my family.

And surprise-surprise, my wife and kids ran away from me, slamming the door shut in my face. My own family had abandoned me. When your own family doesn't accept you, who will, right?

I couldn't walk into town because people would panic and get terrified. No, I was a monster now. And lemme tell ya, it sucks when you have no one in the world. I was so pissed off that Hephaestus had just abandoned me like that. It's like I do him this huge favor and he just says, "Fuck you. You failed. Live with it!" I threw away the sword and shield he gave me and replaced them with an axe and shield.

My initial plan was to hunt Soul Edge and destroy it, since it was the cause of my suffering. But, as time went on, I slowly began losing my sanity. I knew that no matter what, I would never be able to see my family again, my friends, all gone. It was a nasty thought, but very likely. That's when I discarded my family. I knew that they no longer cared about me, so why should I care about them?

That's when I started going a little crazy. I sort of succumbed to this lizard-like exterior, and I began emulating this nutty animal survival instinct. Next thing I knew, a group of other lizard men joined me and we formed this little tribe for ourselves.

We called ourselves, "The Clawed Crusaders". Pretty clever, huh?

They elected me as their leader because…well, I'm badass. Why _wouldn't _they have put me as their superior?

As much as I hate to admit it, we _did_ go a little overboard. We began ravaging the countryside, leaving big messes everywhere. We acted like such fucking tools.

I honestly think I did it because I was angry. I mean, I could never return to my humanity, so what was the point of still living like something I wasn't, you know? I supposed you could say I was, "mad bro".

But at night, I did often dream of my previous life, you know, better times. I dreamt of my family and friends, that I had been spared this damn curse. And yeah, I'll admit it; I cried sometimes...ok, I cried _most _of the time…ok, _all_ the time. (There I said it. You happy now?)

That's when it hit me. I realized I was missing my _soul_. All of this nostalgia and emptiness was because my soul had been taken. It was still embedded within Soul Edge.

I went on a hunt to find Soul Edge, but I failed. I never found it. I suppose that really made me snap, because I fully embraced this lizard monster. I developed this sudden urge for bloodlust and violence. Until finally, I heard a weird voice say, "Devour all, and your wish shall surely come true" in a cave.

And so, here I am. Yeah, my life fucking sucks. Well…that goes without saying.

But, I take it you know all of this stuff. What you really want to know is what I've been doing these past seventeen years, right? You know, what I was doing during this long hiatus, right? The "pork fat"?

Well, I'll tell you, but only 'cause you're so nice.

The answer's simple; I was playing video games. And while doing so, I managed to pick up a few new moves.

For one thing, a lot of people are curious as to how I learned to sprout these wings and spit fire. I learned this when I had heard of a species of dinosaur that could do so by devouring turtle shells of various colors. I visited a place called, "The Mushroom Kingdom", where I noticed one of these dinos giving a ride to a fat plumber with an M stamped on his head.

The dino was a friendly little critter and taught me how to utilize those tricks. It called itself, "Yoshi". But I passed on the opportunity for it to show me how to lay green-spotted eggs. I'm a _guy _lizard for fuck's sake!

During this crazy journey, I also met another anthropomorphic lizard creature just like me, except his reptilian appearance was natural. It introduced itself as "Reptile", and I wanted him to show me how to spit acid and how to extend my tongue to great lengths.

But the only way he'd agree to it is if I'd swear my allegiance to a guy named, "Shao Kahn" and I represented him in some kooky tournament called, "Moron Kombat" or something stupid like that.

Anyway I looked up this Shao Kahn guy on Wikipedia and found out that he was a real asshole. So I thought, "Pledge my allegiance to a vindictive douchebag? Pffft! Fuck _that_ shit!" So I left Reptile and his asshole friend.

And so, I'm alone again.

You know, I've been shackled in this lizard body for about twenty-one years now. You might say I'm being narcissistic; but quite frankly, I've given up hope that there's a chance I'll become human again. A man (or should I say, _lizard _man) can only withstand so much pain until his spirit's broken.

Although I try to hide it, I do in fact miss seeing my family. It makes me sort of sad that my whole life has gone by and I haven't seen them in over twenty years. Sometimes I wonder about the opportunities I've missed, the friends who have passed away, various meals I haven't eaten.

Yeah, this sucks.

But hey, maybe someday, I'll be human again. Man, do I hope so. I know that even when, or if, this spell _is _broken, I won't have much to live for. I'm already an old man. Who's going to enjoy the company of an old, forgotten warrior like me?

Um…excuse me for a moment. I've got something in my eye (sniff-sniff)...

Sorry, my eyes are a little watery because I had raw onions for lunch (…sniff).

Either way, take this lesson from an old lizard like me: If a god ever asks you to do him a favor, just pass and say your appendix as-ploded or something. Trust me, you'll end up turning into a lizard-human hybrid thingy.

…And it fucking sucks.


End file.
